Post by Bert on May 20, 2010 16:59:01 GMT -5
The BATMAN logo slowly revolves around the screen while KICKASS MUSIC plays. The BATMAN logo is seen in full, and BATMAN fans everywhere PISS THEMSELVES with excitement! OH SHIT THIS IS GONNA BE AN AWESOME MOVIE!
A family is walking down the busy streets of GOTHAM CITY, trying to find a taxi for some reason. They head into an alley and are mugged by beggars!
Beggar 1:
Alright guy, gimme all your cash!
Instead of cooperating, the father of the family refuses to give him the cash and gets OWNED. The beggars steal his wallet and run off.
Beggar 2:
Alright, an American Express card!
Beggar 1:
Gimme that.
Beggar 2:
Screw you, get your own.
Beggar 1:
Man, maybe we should leave. Remember what happened to Johnny Dobbs?
Beggar 2:
Hey man, Johnny Dobbs got stoned and threw himself over a building.
Beggar 1:
No man, that’s not what I heard at all. I heard the goddamn Batman got him.
Beggar 2:
The Bat? Aw c’mon.
At this point, THE GODDAMN BATMAN appears to kick some ASS! And he DOES! BATMAN owns the first thug, and holds the second guy over the edge of a building. The fall wouldn’t kill the thug, but the amount of DRAMA this scene has makes it seem like it will.
Bat-Keaton:
Now, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your little friends about me.
Beggar 2:
What are you!?
Bat-Keaton:
I’m the goddamn Batman.
BAT-KEATON throws the beggar aside and leaves in a TOTALLY BADASS MANNER. Meanwhile, JACK FREAKING NICHOLSON appears at a meeting with his boss.
Jack Nicholson:
Damn I’m hardcore.
Boss:
Yeah, Jack, we want you to handle the investigation of the bat.
Jack Nicholson:
Me?
Boss:
Yeah. We also want you to go to a factory where you’ll get shot in the face and become a freakish clown with a permanent grin.
Jack Nicholson:
Yeah, that sounds like something I’d do. Alright, I’ll go with it.
MICHAEL KEATON holds a PARTY, where famous guest stars like KIM BASINGER attend.
Kim Basinger:
Excuse me, but do you know which of these guys is Michael Keaton?
Michael Keaton:
No, I don’t. Haha, I’m so cocky. See, I pretended I don’t even know who I am.
Kim Basinger:
(Swoon)
KIM BASINGER walks away, but MICHAEL KEATON feels attracted to her. I don’t blame him, really. KIM BASINGER heads to an antiquity room, and MICHAEL KEATON appears.
Kim Basinger:
Where did you get these?
Michael Keaton:
Japan.
Kim Basinger:
Ah.
Michael Keaton:
Hey, wanna start dating?
Kim Basinger:
Sounds like a plan!
JACK NICHOLSON goes to the factory for whatever reason, where a SHOOTOUT begins. This scene is TOTALLY AWESOME and fast paced, although JACK NICHOLSON runs away like a PANSY.
Corrupt cop:
He’s getting away! Follow him!
Jack Nicholson:
Screw you guys, I’m going home.
JACK NICHOLSON runs around for a few minutes as the SHOOTOUT continues. He runs onto a BALCONY and heads for the exit, but NON-CORRUPT COPS appear!
Jack Nicholson:
Nuts to this. Hey, think about the future!
JACK NICHOLSON shoots the CORRUPT COP and looks TOTALLY BADASS. At this point, THE GODDAMN BATMAN APPEARS!
Bat-Keaton:
Boo.
Jack Nicholson:
Jesus!
Bat-Keaton:
I wouldn’t go that far, but sure, that also works as my title.
JACK NICHOLSON shoots BAT-KEATON, but the latter uses MAGIC to ricochet the bullet and hit JACK NICHOLSON in the face! This is AWESOME.
Jack Nicholson:
Ow! I thought I used blanks!
Bat-Keaton:
No. No you did not.
JACK NICHOLSON falls over the BALCONY into a vat of chemicals. BAT-KEATON leaves and the shootout ends, but JACK NICHOLSON survives! He goes to get surgery for his broken face, but the doctor is a fraud!
Doctor:
Now, you understand the nerves were completely severed, Mr. Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson:
Just give me the damn mirror.
Doctor:
But I—
Jack Nicholson:
MIRROR!
JACK NICHOLSON looks at his face in a mirror, though we don’t get to see the end result. JACK gets out of the chair and leaves the doctor’s office, laughing like a lunatic.
Doctor:
What a nice fellow.
JACK NICHOLSON goes to his BOSS.
Jack’s boss:
Jack! I thought you were...I heard you were—
Jack Nicholson:
Dead? Fried? You set me up over a woman. A WOMAN! Do you not handle rejection well?
Jack’s boss:
Well, I handle rejection better than the guy in Batman & Robin who pretty much created Poison Ivy.
Jack Nicholson:
Fair enough. But anyway, Jack is dead. You can call me...Joker!
JACK NICHOLSON comes out of the shadows, and has BLEACHED SKIN, GREEN HAIR, and a GOOFY GRIN on his face.
Jack’s boss:
What?
JACK NICHOLSON JOKER kills his boss in a BADASS manner. JOKER FANGIRLS scream over the appearance of the CLOWN PRINCE OF CRIME in the film, namely those named HARLEY QUINN.
KIM BASINGER goes to a fancy restaurant where she is supposed to meet MICHAEL KEATON for dinner. However, poisonous gas seeps through the vents and kills the waiters/waitresses, as well as customers. KIM BASINGER lives because she had a MASK sent by a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER that would protect her. JACK NICHOLSON and his pals comically vandalize the hell out of the restaurant while goofy music plays in the background. JACK goes and meets KIM BASINGER.
Jack Nicholson:
Hello, my sweet.
Kim Basinger:
What do you want?
Jack Nicholson:
My face on the one dollar bill.
Kim Basinger:
Anything else?
Jack Nicholson:
Yeah; you.
BAT-KEATON crashes through the roof made of GLASS and saves KIM BASINGER. The two run off.
Jack Nicholson:
Where does he get those marvelous toys? I mean, DAMN!
BAT-KEATON and KIM BASINGER go to the BATCAVE.
Kim Basinger:
Why did you bring me here?
Bat-Keaton:
Because I...hm. I didn’t really think that part out.
On the BAT TELEVISION, they see a hilarious commercial for “NEW AND IMPROVED JOKER PRODUCTS”!
Bat-Keaton:
Why does he get more screentime than me?
Kim Basinger:
Well, you kinda requested it.
Bat-Keaton:
True enough. Anyway, let’s try and move this crappy romance subplot onward by having sex.
They DO, although we don’t get to see it. Those who are into BEASTIALITY are gravely disappointed.
Beastiality lover:
AW C’MON! I wanted to see the bat and Kim Basinger get it on!
Me:
Shut the hell up, nobody likes you.
Meanwhile, JACK NICHOLSON JOKER talks to his HENCHMAN about his dastardly plan to take over GOTHAM CITY.
Jack Nicholson Joker:
So, my plan is to alter chemical hygiene products so that those using a certain combination of those products will die.
Henchman:
Doesn’t that seem a little too complex? Why couldn’t you just poison Gotham’s water supply?
Jack Nicholson Joker:
You think this is complex? Wait till you see the Penguin’s scheme in the next movie.
JACK NICHOLSON JOKER holds a PARADE through GOTHAM CITY and dumps money on the crowd. The citizens start rolling around in the cash. Suddenly, BAT-KEATON arrives to screw things up!
Jack Nicholson Joker:
C’mon, you gruesome sonovabitch. I want ya to do it. C’mon, hit me!
Heath Ledger Joker:
That’s my line.
Jack Nicholson Joker:
Why so serious?
Heath Ledger Joker:
Hey!
BAT-KEATON crashes his BATPLANE into a pile of garbage like a PUTZ, and JACK NICHOLSON JOKER takes KIM BASINGER to the top of a cathedral. BAT-KEATON reaches the top of the cathedral, where he and JACK NICHOLSON JOKER have one final climactic fight.
Bat-Keaton:
Alright. Time to settle the score, Jack!
Jack Nicholson Joker:
Heeeeere’s JOKER!
BAT-KEATON tosses JACK NICHOLSON JOKER around like a BITCH. JACK NICHOLSON JOKER punches BAT-KEATON in the chest, but BAT-KEATON has GOD MODE activated, so he didn’t take any damage.
Jack Nicholson Joker:
Y’know, I killed your parents.
Bat-Keaton:
I know. I dropped you into a vat of chemicals. I made you, you made me.
Jack Nicholson Joker:
Hey, you wouldn’t hurt a guy with glasses, would you?
BAT-KEATON uses his patented KEATON PUNCH to hurl the JACK NICHOLSON JOKER over the cathedral to his DEATH.
Kim Basinger:
Oh my God, you killed him.
Bat-Keaton:
I figured he deserved it after giving people money that came from my bank account.
BAT-KEATON retreats into the night, and BILLY DEE WILLIAMS reads a NOTE read by THE GODDAMN BATMAN, saying that whenever evils strikes in GOTHAM CITY, BAT-KEATON will be there to stop it. Actually, this only happens in the sequel, since BAT-KEATON doesn’t appear in BATMAN FOREVER and BATMAN & ROBIN because JOEL SCHUMACHER sucks.
END.
A family is walking down the busy streets of GOTHAM CITY, trying to find a taxi for some reason. They head into an alley and are mugged by beggars!
Beggar 1:
Alright guy, gimme all your cash!
Instead of cooperating, the father of the family refuses to give him the cash and gets OWNED. The beggars steal his wallet and run off.
Beggar 2:
Alright, an American Express card!
Beggar 1:
Gimme that.
Beggar 2:
Screw you, get your own.
Beggar 1:
Man, maybe we should leave. Remember what happened to Johnny Dobbs?
Beggar 2:
Hey man, Johnny Dobbs got stoned and threw himself over a building.
Beggar 1:
No man, that’s not what I heard at all. I heard the goddamn Batman got him.
Beggar 2:
The Bat? Aw c’mon.
At this point, THE GODDAMN BATMAN appears to kick some ASS! And he DOES! BATMAN owns the first thug, and holds the second guy over the edge of a building. The fall wouldn’t kill the thug, but the amount of DRAMA this scene has makes it seem like it will.
Bat-Keaton:
Now, I want you to do me a favor. I want you to tell all your little friends about me.
Beggar 2:
What are you!?
Bat-Keaton:
I’m the goddamn Batman.
BAT-KEATON throws the beggar aside and leaves in a TOTALLY BADASS MANNER. Meanwhile, JACK FREAKING NICHOLSON appears at a meeting with his boss.
Jack Nicholson:
Damn I’m hardcore.
Boss:
Yeah, Jack, we want you to handle the investigation of the bat.
Jack Nicholson:
Me?
Boss:
Yeah. We also want you to go to a factory where you’ll get shot in the face and become a freakish clown with a permanent grin.
Jack Nicholson:
Yeah, that sounds like something I’d do. Alright, I’ll go with it.
MICHAEL KEATON holds a PARTY, where famous guest stars like KIM BASINGER attend.
Kim Basinger:
Excuse me, but do you know which of these guys is Michael Keaton?
Michael Keaton:
No, I don’t. Haha, I’m so cocky. See, I pretended I don’t even know who I am.
Kim Basinger:
(Swoon)
KIM BASINGER walks away, but MICHAEL KEATON feels attracted to her. I don’t blame him, really. KIM BASINGER heads to an antiquity room, and MICHAEL KEATON appears.
Kim Basinger:
Where did you get these?
Michael Keaton:
Japan.
Kim Basinger:
Ah.
Michael Keaton:
Hey, wanna start dating?
Kim Basinger:
Sounds like a plan!
JACK NICHOLSON goes to the factory for whatever reason, where a SHOOTOUT begins. This scene is TOTALLY AWESOME and fast paced, although JACK NICHOLSON runs away like a PANSY.
Corrupt cop:
He’s getting away! Follow him!
Jack Nicholson:
Screw you guys, I’m going home.
JACK NICHOLSON runs around for a few minutes as the SHOOTOUT continues. He runs onto a BALCONY and heads for the exit, but NON-CORRUPT COPS appear!
Jack Nicholson:
Nuts to this. Hey, think about the future!
JACK NICHOLSON shoots the CORRUPT COP and looks TOTALLY BADASS. At this point, THE GODDAMN BATMAN APPEARS!
Bat-Keaton:
Boo.
Jack Nicholson:
Jesus!
Bat-Keaton:
I wouldn’t go that far, but sure, that also works as my title.
JACK NICHOLSON shoots BAT-KEATON, but the latter uses MAGIC to ricochet the bullet and hit JACK NICHOLSON in the face! This is AWESOME.
Jack Nicholson:
Ow! I thought I used blanks!
Bat-Keaton:
No. No you did not.
JACK NICHOLSON falls over the BALCONY into a vat of chemicals. BAT-KEATON leaves and the shootout ends, but JACK NICHOLSON survives! He goes to get surgery for his broken face, but the doctor is a fraud!
Doctor:
Now, you understand the nerves were completely severed, Mr. Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson:
Just give me the damn mirror.
Doctor:
But I—
Jack Nicholson:
MIRROR!
JACK NICHOLSON looks at his face in a mirror, though we don’t get to see the end result. JACK gets out of the chair and leaves the doctor’s office, laughing like a lunatic.
Doctor:
What a nice fellow.
JACK NICHOLSON goes to his BOSS.
Jack’s boss:
Jack! I thought you were...I heard you were—
Jack Nicholson:
Dead? Fried? You set me up over a woman. A WOMAN! Do you not handle rejection well?
Jack’s boss:
Well, I handle rejection better than the guy in Batman & Robin who pretty much created Poison Ivy.
Jack Nicholson:
Fair enough. But anyway, Jack is dead. You can call me...Joker!
JACK NICHOLSON comes out of the shadows, and has BLEACHED SKIN, GREEN HAIR, and a GOOFY GRIN on his face.
Jack’s boss:
What?
JACK NICHOLSON JOKER kills his boss in a BADASS manner. JOKER FANGIRLS scream over the appearance of the CLOWN PRINCE OF CRIME in the film, namely those named HARLEY QUINN.
KIM BASINGER goes to a fancy restaurant where she is supposed to meet MICHAEL KEATON for dinner. However, poisonous gas seeps through the vents and kills the waiters/waitresses, as well as customers. KIM BASINGER lives because she had a MASK sent by a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER that would protect her. JACK NICHOLSON and his pals comically vandalize the hell out of the restaurant while goofy music plays in the background. JACK goes and meets KIM BASINGER.
Jack Nicholson:
Hello, my sweet.
Kim Basinger:
What do you want?
Jack Nicholson:
My face on the one dollar bill.
Kim Basinger:
Anything else?
Jack Nicholson:
Yeah; you.
BAT-KEATON crashes through the roof made of GLASS and saves KIM BASINGER. The two run off.
Jack Nicholson:
Where does he get those marvelous toys? I mean, DAMN!
BAT-KEATON and KIM BASINGER go to the BATCAVE.
Kim Basinger:
Why did you bring me here?
Bat-Keaton:
Because I...hm. I didn’t really think that part out.
On the BAT TELEVISION, they see a hilarious commercial for “NEW AND IMPROVED JOKER PRODUCTS”!
Bat-Keaton:
Why does he get more screentime than me?
Kim Basinger:
Well, you kinda requested it.
Bat-Keaton:
True enough. Anyway, let’s try and move this crappy romance subplot onward by having sex.
They DO, although we don’t get to see it. Those who are into BEASTIALITY are gravely disappointed.
Beastiality lover:
AW C’MON! I wanted to see the bat and Kim Basinger get it on!
Me:
Shut the hell up, nobody likes you.
Meanwhile, JACK NICHOLSON JOKER talks to his HENCHMAN about his dastardly plan to take over GOTHAM CITY.
Jack Nicholson Joker:
So, my plan is to alter chemical hygiene products so that those using a certain combination of those products will die.
Henchman:
Doesn’t that seem a little too complex? Why couldn’t you just poison Gotham’s water supply?
Jack Nicholson Joker:
You think this is complex? Wait till you see the Penguin’s scheme in the next movie.
JACK NICHOLSON JOKER holds a PARADE through GOTHAM CITY and dumps money on the crowd. The citizens start rolling around in the cash. Suddenly, BAT-KEATON arrives to screw things up!
Jack Nicholson Joker:
C’mon, you gruesome sonovabitch. I want ya to do it. C’mon, hit me!
Heath Ledger Joker:
That’s my line.
Jack Nicholson Joker:
Why so serious?
Heath Ledger Joker:
Hey!
BAT-KEATON crashes his BATPLANE into a pile of garbage like a PUTZ, and JACK NICHOLSON JOKER takes KIM BASINGER to the top of a cathedral. BAT-KEATON reaches the top of the cathedral, where he and JACK NICHOLSON JOKER have one final climactic fight.
Bat-Keaton:
Alright. Time to settle the score, Jack!
Jack Nicholson Joker:
Heeeeere’s JOKER!
BAT-KEATON tosses JACK NICHOLSON JOKER around like a BITCH. JACK NICHOLSON JOKER punches BAT-KEATON in the chest, but BAT-KEATON has GOD MODE activated, so he didn’t take any damage.
Jack Nicholson Joker:
Y’know, I killed your parents.
Bat-Keaton:
I know. I dropped you into a vat of chemicals. I made you, you made me.
Jack Nicholson Joker:
Hey, you wouldn’t hurt a guy with glasses, would you?
BAT-KEATON uses his patented KEATON PUNCH to hurl the JACK NICHOLSON JOKER over the cathedral to his DEATH.
Kim Basinger:
Oh my God, you killed him.
Bat-Keaton:
I figured he deserved it after giving people money that came from my bank account.
BAT-KEATON retreats into the night, and BILLY DEE WILLIAMS reads a NOTE read by THE GODDAMN BATMAN, saying that whenever evils strikes in GOTHAM CITY, BAT-KEATON will be there to stop it. Actually, this only happens in the sequel, since BAT-KEATON doesn’t appear in BATMAN FOREVER and BATMAN & ROBIN because JOEL SCHUMACHER sucks.
END.
