Post by Bert on May 12, 2010 19:59:51 GMT -5
DAVID THEWLIS accidentally impales himself on a POINTY THING in a village somewhere.
Julie Christie:
My son has been hurt! What can we do?
Dennis Quaid
We can take him to the dragon that lives underneath a waterfall. He can heal people.
Julie Christie:
Can I buy some pot from you?:
They go and meet the DRAGON that lives under a waterfall.
Sean Connery Dragon:
’Sup.
Dennis Quaid:
Dragon, this boy has been hurt. We need you to heal him.
Sean Connery Dragon:
No.
[Pause]
Okay.
He gives DAVID part of his heart to make the movie title relevant.
Dennis Quaid:
Thanks, Dragon. I will make it up to you by having a bunch of guys form a band named after you.
Sean Connery Dragon:
Will there be lengthy and wild guitar solos?
Dennis Quaid:
You bet!
Years later, DAVID THEWLIS goes mad with power after becoming king.
David Thewlis:
I’m a power-hungry motherfucker.
Dennis Quaid:
I bet the Dragon’s heart made him go mad with power. I’m gonna kill him!
DENNIS runs off to the waterfall and meets PETE POSTLETHWAITE along the way.
Dennis Quaid:
Alright Dragon, come out where I can see you!
SEAN CONNERY DRAGON uses FLAMETHROWER!
Dennis Quaid:
Oh shit, he knows Flamethrower. Pete, come over here and use Water Gun!
DENNIS and SEAN CONNERY DRAGON fight, and it ends in a stalemate.
Sean Connery Dragon:
Maybe instead of fighting, we should team up so that we can stage fake Dragon slayings.
Dennis Quaid:
That seems perfectly reasonable and I have absolutely no reason to question it.
They perform some fake DRAGON SLAYINGS for no reason.
DAVID THEWLIS encounters DINA MEYER.
David Thewlis:
You’re the girl who caused me to impale myself on that pointy thing a long time ago!
Dina Meyer:
Okay.
DAVID takes her hostage and attempts to seduce her.
David Thewlis:
Hey baby, can I put my sword in your sheath?
Dina Meyer:
Are you kidding me?
She STABS him in the shoulder and escapes.
DINA attempts to start a new uprising over...something.
Dina Meyer:
Let’s team up and crush David’s empire!
Townspeople:
No.
SEAN CONNERY DRAGON and DENNIS QUAID show up.
Dennis Quaid:
Hiya.
Townspeople:
ZOMG A DRAGON SACRIFICE HER TO THE GODS!
They take the girl back to SEAN CONNERY DRAGON’S cave. DAVID THEWLIS shows up.
David Thewlis:
Return her to me.
Dennis Quaid:
No.
They DUEL.
David Thewlis:
Y’know, I don’t believe the knight’s code. I deceived you for all those years just so I could learn how to wield a sword.
Dennis Quaid:
What a plot twist!
Sean Connery Dragon:
Growl.
DAVID runs away in terror like a wimp.
That night, SEAN CONNERY DRAGON and DENNIS sit around and talk about stuff.
Dennis Quaid:
So, you’re the last of your kind?
Sean Connery Dragon:
Yes. See that constellation up there? That is where we dragons go when we die and if we have earned it.
Dennis Quaid:
Dragon Heaven. Are you kidding me? DRAGON HEAVEN?!
Sean Connery Dragon:
Nope, I’m dead serious. I tried to get a place there by saving David, but I had no idea that he would turn to the dark side...but obviously, that did not go well and I fear I may spend eternity in Dragon Hell.
Dennis Quaid:
There’s a Dragon Hell too?
Sean Connery Dragon:
Tell you what. I will help in the rebellion against David Thewlis, so that I may earn a place in Dragon Heaven. Will you help too?
Dennis Quaid:
No.
[Pause]
Yes.
WAR ensues. The villagers attack DAVID’S castle and fight. DAVID’S forces capture SEAN CONNERY DRAGON.
David Thewlis:
Gentlemen, I love war...
DENNIS appears.
Dennis Quaid:
David, you monster! Let’s fight again!
There is a DUEL followed by a DUEL with another DUEL mixed with some DUELING and lots of DUELS. DENNIS eventually runs ahead to find SEAN CONNERY DRAGON.
Sean Connery Dragon:
Kill me, it’s the only way to end David’s reign of terror!
Dennis Quaid:
No.
[Pause]
Okay.
DENNIS throws an AXE into SEAN CONNERY DRAGON’S heart and he dies.
David Thewlis:
Aw, shit.
[Dies]
Dennis Quaid:
Hooray, we saved the world!
Dina Meyer:
Really, we just saved our homeland.
Dennis Quaid:
Shut up.
SEAN CONNERY DRAGON receives a place in DRAGON HEAVEN and everyone lives happily ever after.
Except DAVID THEWLIS, because he sucks.
END
Julie Christie:
My son has been hurt! What can we do?
Dennis Quaid
We can take him to the dragon that lives underneath a waterfall. He can heal people.
Julie Christie:
Can I buy some pot from you?:
They go and meet the DRAGON that lives under a waterfall.
Sean Connery Dragon:
’Sup.
Dennis Quaid:
Dragon, this boy has been hurt. We need you to heal him.
Sean Connery Dragon:
No.
[Pause]
Okay.
He gives DAVID part of his heart to make the movie title relevant.
Dennis Quaid:
Thanks, Dragon. I will make it up to you by having a bunch of guys form a band named after you.
Sean Connery Dragon:
Will there be lengthy and wild guitar solos?
Dennis Quaid:
You bet!
Years later, DAVID THEWLIS goes mad with power after becoming king.
David Thewlis:
I’m a power-hungry motherfucker.
Dennis Quaid:
I bet the Dragon’s heart made him go mad with power. I’m gonna kill him!
DENNIS runs off to the waterfall and meets PETE POSTLETHWAITE along the way.
Dennis Quaid:
Alright Dragon, come out where I can see you!
SEAN CONNERY DRAGON uses FLAMETHROWER!
Dennis Quaid:
Oh shit, he knows Flamethrower. Pete, come over here and use Water Gun!
DENNIS and SEAN CONNERY DRAGON fight, and it ends in a stalemate.
Sean Connery Dragon:
Maybe instead of fighting, we should team up so that we can stage fake Dragon slayings.
Dennis Quaid:
That seems perfectly reasonable and I have absolutely no reason to question it.
They perform some fake DRAGON SLAYINGS for no reason.
DAVID THEWLIS encounters DINA MEYER.
David Thewlis:
You’re the girl who caused me to impale myself on that pointy thing a long time ago!
Dina Meyer:
Okay.
DAVID takes her hostage and attempts to seduce her.
David Thewlis:
Hey baby, can I put my sword in your sheath?
Dina Meyer:
Are you kidding me?
She STABS him in the shoulder and escapes.
DINA attempts to start a new uprising over...something.
Dina Meyer:
Let’s team up and crush David’s empire!
Townspeople:
No.
SEAN CONNERY DRAGON and DENNIS QUAID show up.
Dennis Quaid:
Hiya.
Townspeople:
ZOMG A DRAGON SACRIFICE HER TO THE GODS!
They take the girl back to SEAN CONNERY DRAGON’S cave. DAVID THEWLIS shows up.
David Thewlis:
Return her to me.
Dennis Quaid:
No.
They DUEL.
David Thewlis:
Y’know, I don’t believe the knight’s code. I deceived you for all those years just so I could learn how to wield a sword.
Dennis Quaid:
What a plot twist!
Sean Connery Dragon:
Growl.
DAVID runs away in terror like a wimp.
That night, SEAN CONNERY DRAGON and DENNIS sit around and talk about stuff.
Dennis Quaid:
So, you’re the last of your kind?
Sean Connery Dragon:
Yes. See that constellation up there? That is where we dragons go when we die and if we have earned it.
Dennis Quaid:
Dragon Heaven. Are you kidding me? DRAGON HEAVEN?!
Sean Connery Dragon:
Nope, I’m dead serious. I tried to get a place there by saving David, but I had no idea that he would turn to the dark side...but obviously, that did not go well and I fear I may spend eternity in Dragon Hell.
Dennis Quaid:
There’s a Dragon Hell too?
Sean Connery Dragon:
Tell you what. I will help in the rebellion against David Thewlis, so that I may earn a place in Dragon Heaven. Will you help too?
Dennis Quaid:
No.
[Pause]
Yes.
WAR ensues. The villagers attack DAVID’S castle and fight. DAVID’S forces capture SEAN CONNERY DRAGON.
David Thewlis:
Gentlemen, I love war...
DENNIS appears.
Dennis Quaid:
David, you monster! Let’s fight again!
There is a DUEL followed by a DUEL with another DUEL mixed with some DUELING and lots of DUELS. DENNIS eventually runs ahead to find SEAN CONNERY DRAGON.
Sean Connery Dragon:
Kill me, it’s the only way to end David’s reign of terror!
Dennis Quaid:
No.
[Pause]
Okay.
DENNIS throws an AXE into SEAN CONNERY DRAGON’S heart and he dies.
David Thewlis:
Aw, shit.
[Dies]
Dennis Quaid:
Hooray, we saved the world!
Dina Meyer:
Really, we just saved our homeland.
Dennis Quaid:
Shut up.
SEAN CONNERY DRAGON receives a place in DRAGON HEAVEN and everyone lives happily ever after.
Except DAVID THEWLIS, because he sucks.
END
