ManOfSteele
Member
[M:-10000]
The Original
Posts: 2,695
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Post by ManOfSteele on Apr 11, 2009 21:15:12 GMT -5
Got a funny joke to share with everyone? Post in here! But please, no racial jokes. Keep it mildly clean, but if it does involve something not clean, post a spoiler before the joke. If this gets popular, I'll sticky it.
I've got a good one to start it off:
One evening, an orchestra was playing at a local theater. The piece was Beethoven's 9th. Keep in mind, this is a long piece. When the musicians got to the theater, the head bass player gathered all the basses around and said "Hey fellas, we're playing the 9th, right? We basses don't come in until 20 minutes after the start of the piece. That's the end of the piece. How bout we all go over to the bar across the street and have a few rounds?"
The other basses agree. So when the conductor starts the music, the basses sneak off and run across the street to the bar. They have a few rounds, and eventually it's 20 minutes later. One of the players says to the head bass "Hey, it's been 20 minutes, how bout we head back over?"
"No" says the head bass. "You see, I played a little trick on the conductor. I tied his scores of music together. The sheets are attached to one another by string. So while he's conducting, he's been having to untie all those strings. SO we have a little more time."
They all have another round, and at this point they are all drunk. They all head back over to the theater. When they get to the stage the conductor is pissed. His face is bright red, and he looks like he is stressed out.
"Gee, he sure is stressed" says one of the drunken bass players.
"Well I would be too if I were him." Says the head bass player. "It's the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded and the scores are tied."
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Post by The Solid War Doctor on Apr 11, 2009 21:23:12 GMT -5
2 blondes are looking at 2 tracks. one says "those are rabbit tracks". The other "No those are deer tracks". One minute later they are hit by a train.
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SLE
Crazy Hand 
It's time to duel!
Posts: 4,558
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Post by SLE on Apr 11, 2009 21:24:37 GMT -5
A guy walks into a store one day, he asks the manager if he has and berries, the manager replies "No"
The next day, he comes in again, he asks the manager if he has any berries, the Manager says "No, we don't have any berries"
The third day, he comes in again, he asks if he has any berries, the man replies "We do NOT have any berries, don't ask again or else I'll nail your feet to the floor"
The fourth day he comes back, the man asks this time "Do you have any nails?" the manager replies "no" then the man asks "Do you have any berries?"
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IOwnedYou
Member
The Man With The Tophat[M:200]
I knew it...
Posts: 2,247
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Post by IOwnedYou on Apr 12, 2009 17:10:13 GMT -5
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"
He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
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Post by Drew scored a goal. on Apr 19, 2009 10:49:06 GMT -5
IT'S YO MAMA TIME.
Yo mama so fat, that when Jabba the Hutt looked at her, he said d**n
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Sharpay
Member
Ashley Tisdale's #1 Fan![M:300]
Posts: 716
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Post by Sharpay on May 6, 2009 1:38:09 GMT -5
Quoted from the Twilight book series, "How do you drown a blonde? Glue a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool."
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Magus
Member
[M:0]
Posts: 192
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Post by Magus on May 6, 2009 4:28:41 GMT -5
Its a lil dirty so if you are younger than 13 turn around and leave.
Why are most hurricanes named after women?
Cos when they come they are wet and you are taken away by them. When they go they take the car and house
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Post by The King Of Darkness on May 6, 2009 4:55:03 GMT -5
A nun walks into a bar.................thats the joke.
So the devil is telling this man to choose his fate and behind one of the 3 doors is where he will be trapped for all eternity. So the guy asks "If im going to be trapped there for all eternity can i take a peak inside the doors first?" The devil says ok. So the guy takes a look inside door #1. Its a room of people getting poked in the but by these little demons. He didn't like so he tried door #2. It was a room full of people geting whipped and slashed for all eternity. He didn't like it so he tried door #3. It was a room of all these people having a cocktail party laughing and socializing. He thought “this isn’t such a bad place to be for all eternity. Only catch was they were up to their hips in dog shit. So then the devil asks him which door he chose and he chose Door #3. He is locked inside the room for eternity. Suddenly a man screams “Back to work” and all the people go back to standing on their heads.
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Rorschach
Member
[M:0]
Its your friendly neighbor :D
Posts: 956
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Post by Rorschach on May 6, 2009 15:22:38 GMT -5
a man walks into a bar at midnight. He bumped his head and ended up having a concussion.
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ManOfSteele
Member
[M:-10000]
The Original
Posts: 2,695
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Post by ManOfSteele on May 6, 2009 15:26:55 GMT -5
a man walks into a bar at midnight. He bumped his head and ended up having a concussion. LAME |
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Doomflame
Member
Sentinel 
Everybody Look At Me I'm Sailing On A Boat!
Posts: 5,176
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Post by Doomflame on May 15, 2009 7:42:33 GMT -5
Mad Cow disease
cow #1: Hey so what do you think of this Mad Cow disease?
cow #2: Why the hell do i care? I'm a freaking helicopter!
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Post by eiron on May 21, 2009 23:42:10 GMT -5
There are three recently deceased men standing in line before the Pearly Gates, waiting to speak to St. Peter. After talking to each other a bit, they began to boast about how they each had had horrific deaths, and decided to find out who shuffled loose the mortal coil in the worst way.
"I died the worst death" said the first man. "There was a rumor going around at work that my wife was having an affair, so one day I decided to head home early. When I got there, I found my wife naked in the bedroom with the sheets wrapped around her, and some guy hanging off the second floor balcony. I figured this was the guy, so I stepped on his fingers and made him fall. He landed in some bushes though, and lived. So I threw the refrigerator down on top of him, which finished the job. Unfortunately, the cord got wrapped around my ankle and I fell and died too."
"That's pretty bad," said the second man, "But mine is worse. I was repairing my roof when I fell off and barely managed to grab onto my neighbor's balcony. But then he came out and stomped on my fingers and threw the fridge on top of me. That's how I died."
The third guy says "Yeah, those deaths are worse than mine. I was having an affair with some guy's wife, and when he came home, I hid in the refrigerator. Then he threw it off the balcony and I died."
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Ejak
Member
The Cornflake
Posts: 171
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Post by Ejak on May 21, 2009 23:47:08 GMT -5
A guy walks into a store one day, he asks the manager if he has and berries, the manager replies "No" The next day, he comes in again, he asks the manager if he has any berries, the Manager says "No, we don't have any berries" The third day, he comes in again, he asks if he has any berries, the man replies "We do NOT have any berries, don't ask again or else I'll nail your feet to the floor" The fourth day he comes back, the man asks this time "Do you have any nails?" the manager replies "no" then the man asks "Do you have any berries?" thats the duck song dude |
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[M:-5]
